How many languages do you speak?

Dear.Lord.

How does any self-respecting linguist really answer this question? Ideally, everyone would be familiar with the European Framework for measuring language ability. Then we could say well I have Swedish B1, Spanish B2, German C1 and Russian C2 (megalolz- no one has Russian C2) and our interlocutor would nod knowledgably and we would all be content, having conveyed the information accurately and concisely.

Instead, we need to assess the linguistic competence of the inquisitor (which often is pure guesswork), any possibly linguistic background (school or parental circumstance) and ultimately, how quickly they will become bored of our explanations.

We need to also establish if the person we’re speaking to is an idiot or not. For example, someone who achieved a 3 at Standard Grade French or a C at GSCE Spanish years ago who considers themselves competent French/Spanish speakers as they are vaguely capable of ordering una cerveza, por favor will clearly believe any nonsense you tell them, so might as well count up all those languages you have at A1 and add them to your list: “Yes, cretin, I do speak 11 languages”. Then bask in their awe.

The challenge indeed lies in speaking to non-idiots and ‘bilinguals’ (I put this in inverted commas as most bilinguals are not, in fact, bilingual- though don’t try to tell them that, they won’t appreciate it). It’s quite hard to toe the line between being explanatory yet not boring and/or patronising. “Well…it’s quite hard to explain to you as you are not a linguist…but in your eyes I probably speak 5”, doesn’t really go down well as an ice-breaker. If you are a qualified translator/interpreter, I suppose there is the luxury of saying “I work with x number of languages”, thus conveying all the information necessary for the probably not very interested interlocutor whilst skirting around the issue of A1-C2, and A,B and C languages. Until then though, what is one to do?

“Well, I speak French to a (what you probably consider) fluent level and then I am ‘very good’ at Swahili, Chinese and Korean, ‘quite good’ at Polish and ‘can get by’ in Italian.” I don’t know many people who would happily describe their language capabilities in those terms. What if you are completely proficient in a foreign language after having spent years in the country? I fear it is not acceptable to say “I speak French, Portuguese and Spanish, but you know what? I’m a fucking legend when it comes to Serbian!”

There is also the option of I speak X, Y and Z and work with them, and I also speak Q, R and S but not to a level which I can interpret from them. However, there is still the issue that most people probably won’t understand that just because you cannot interpret with a language doesn’t mean that you don’t speak it to an extremely high level.

Sigh.

Do I have any solutions?

“It’s complicated; around 5, and a couple more. Ask no further questions”.