Sadistically Slavic

A few years ago, I embarked on a long, long path. The path of mastering a Slavic language. Oh, how naïve. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and still probably do not know the full extent of its cruelty.

Us linguists know that grammar is sexy. Slavic languages are certainly grammar-laden. And that is the problem. They are too sexy. Verbal aspects, complex case systems, umpteen declinations with tens of exceptions for every rule, prefixed verbs, voicing and unvoicing your consonants... It's a grammar orgasm that bewitches you until you are fully under its control.

When you go Slavic, you never go back.

As quickly as I get bored of men, I get bored of Romance languages, bored of Germanic languages. Yes, they certainly provide their challenges, and couldn't be described purely as 'easy' (with the exception of Italian, which can be learned in about 7 hours), but they do not seem as alluring, as magical, as mystical, as a Slavic language. Mastering subjunctives just doesn’t give you butterflies.

A Slavic language will never succumb to you. It will never tell you "I appreciate how hard you try to make us work"; rather "You cannot even decline me, you are pathetic. You don't even know me." A Slavic language will never love you back. Despite this knowledge, I still persist, in the naïve hope that, one day, it will realise how devoted I am to it and then my love will no longer be so unrequited.

Too much time has been spent, too much effort, too much love and dedication to the cause to ever go back. A Slavic language is the strong, silent, mysterious man in the corner that somehow manages to resist your charms, no matter what tack you take. With a Slavic language, you will never be in control. Maybe that is the attraction? It completely dominates your brain. It is addictive.

Learning a Slavic language is an act of pure sadism. You know it will reject you, frustrate you, time and time again, but you can't help going back. You want to understand how it works, to master every detail of declination and to know it inside out. The problem being however, that it will never let you know it inside out. It will never let you inside its mind. You can, of course, with years of study, begin to have a greater understanding of how it thinks. But your understanding will never be complete, or anywhere near it.

Let us consider aspectual pairs. Even when we get our heads around the idea of aspects, we then must face that every aspectual pair (or sometimes aspectual trio) must be learned individually. Every single verb I wish to translate from English or indeed any other non Slavic language must be individually studied in context to select the correct aspect, unless you wish to sound like an utter pleb in the target Slavic language.

Why do I do it? Why does anyone do it? (Maybe I am just a sadist?) The reasons why someone would choose to learn a Slavic language are manifold: I presume part arrogance (many have failed; I will succeed), part stubbornness (I will, I will, I will manage this) and partly just being a big old fool in love. When you start, it is captivating. Mastering any language is never easy. But at least with Romance and Germanic languages, level C2 is in sight. It is plausible that level C2 can be attained. Can C2 be attained in a Slavic language?

If all goes well, I’ll be C2 Russian in about 43 years.

Despite such adversary, why am I still here, by Russian’s side? Sadly, I am its captive, and I am suffering from Stockholm syndrome.